A labyrinth of confused thoughts. A disarray of distorted images. A riot of rebellious ideas. Delusions of daydreams. That is what composes my life right now. A mess. Something you cannot put together. Broken and fragile, I get lost. Lost in this world or lost in my own thoughts? Either way, it sucks.
I want to disappear. Like a bubble that suddenly pops. Like fire that goes away when you blow it. There are just too many things I don't want to face in this world. School. Friends. Family. Problems. Myself. I know deep down that I find happiness in them. But it eventually goes away. It won't last forever to make me happy. I want to escape reality for some reasons. Reasons I can't even explain myself. I want to escape from this world. Who knows, there may be a better life for me in another world.
You probably thought of suicide. Yes, suicidal thoughts always come to me. But don't all teenagers have them? I can consider it normal. I haven't told anyone about this. Not my family nor my closest friends. Some people who are depressed think that suicide is the only solution to their problems. I don't know if it was depression or just hatred to anyone. Am I the only who experiences that? I've had problems that messed me up so bad. No, I don't want sympathy. That's stupid. People only care if you're contemplating suicide. Get help from friends and family, they say. Bullshit. Nobody really cares. Nobody cares about you unless you're pretty or dying. Or dead too. Dead people receive more flowers than the living ones because the regret is stronger than gratitude.
But as of now, I'm happy. I have no intentions of killing myself. That happened months ago, but those thoughts are gone now. I am temporarily content with my life now. Well, maybe. I don't know. We don't know what's gonna happen to ourselves in the future. There may be challenges that I'm gonna face. Problems that may result to harming myself. Sometimes, I wonder how I'm still living. How I haven't killed myself yet. Then I realize, there's more to life than these problems. I thought that if I'm gonna kill myself, what happens? I wouldn't know what would happen next in my favorite TV series. What's next for my favorite characters? My favorite books? What are my friends and family gonna think? Too many people go through life complaining about their problems. I’ve always believed that if you took one tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out. So maybe that's how I survive. But maybe I was just too weak and afraid to experience a painful killing.
Appreciate your existence. Appreciate the little things. Appreciate the big things. Appreciate the people around you. Appreciate the things you have. Appreciate the music you listen too. Treasure these things. Breathe. It's not a bad life, just a bad day. I promise, it gets better.
You’re right. In the end, everything can be better. These “shit” you call are temporary feelings. Though, it can be hurting sometimes, it is inevitable for we live in the world where everything is inevitable. Teenagers experience these depression a lot. It has become like this for eternity. We experience a lot of stress because of school, of drama, and of fake people; hence, we conclude that no one cares. I think we say no one cares because that has become of the status quo. People always care. You always care, but you don’t show it. Because everyone believes that no one cares even though they do inside.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever encounter these suicidal thoughts, I would not ask you to tell us about it or get help. Instead, I want you to read “My Heart and Other Black Holes” by Jasmine Warga. It may be enough to get the thoughts out of your mind. It gives hope. That’s what become of people; cling to hope. But hope is what keeps us living because in the end, everything can be better.
I will not give you the most cliché advice like ‘seize the day’ or whatnot, but I will tell you this. Live. People who saw people who commit suicide may not have noticed this, but the day the person commit suicide, they never know that maybe that is the last day of his suffering and tomorrow maybe the best day he would ever have. Like maybe he would win a lottery to end his conflict or maybe that day would be his lucky day. But he will not see it anymore because he gave up instantly.
Remember this: in every dilemma, there is always a silver-lining. Find it.